Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.