My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Facebook memories be like
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere