Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You Might Also Like
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Barbie gone wild
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing