@kelkulus: Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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@markedly: What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@JennyJohnsonHi5: According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
@Tommytoughstuff: "Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
@SatansTongue: *Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama* *Obama faints* Only a kiss from his one true love will save him *Biden takes out lipstick*