Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…