Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
See..?
.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”