Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You Might Also Like
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving