Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”