Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here