@FatuousFloozy: Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you're interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say "spaghetti"
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club] Her: C'mon, lets dance! Me: Ugh, ok...one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*
@tinatbh: i hate when adults make fun of u and ask if u bought ur jeans with all the holes in them. why don’t u go fix the holes in our economy robert
@davidkenny100: Me: how much is all the money in the world? Genie: not sure exactly Me: give me a ballpark figure POOOF *I'm now the size of Shea Stadium
@ItsAndyRyan: Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years Me: That's a long sentence! Judge: Ok - "you get 10 years"