Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
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*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I needed a laugh this morning.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?