women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.