@shutupmikeginn: women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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@thepunningman: [interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
@rolldiggity: I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.
@iRowlf: Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
@trentistweeting: Why hello, dear! "trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?" Lovely weather! "and did you only bring two?" Why hello, d