Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My typo game is string.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?