The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My five year plan is a meteorite
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?