Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Mood.. 😂
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm