Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
who wants to go expliring
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.