Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.