Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.