Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Lmao
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
a lot to unpack here
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
IT’S-A ME,
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us