Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
You know…for fall…
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
pictures of spider-man
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”