Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful