@Spaced_Cowboy00: Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can't remember why I stood up.
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@kentgrossarth: The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
@just1fool: Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what's not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.
@amishschool: Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
@JessObsess: [Starbucks] What can I get you? I'll have a large coffee, black "You don't have to say black" I'll have a large coffee, African American