Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
You Might Also Like
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
wishing you and yours all the best
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When you’re here for the treats.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.