@jtswhipped: Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
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@vladchoc: Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
@Boourns83: Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit
@joe_binkley: (Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?
@lawking30: I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.