I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
🖤✌🏽
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*