@kelkulus: Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I'd probably have done better if they'd specified that they didn't mean by tickling.
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@Underchilde: A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
@SilleVio: Joined a street protest. Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running. 3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
@MondayPajamas: My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house. Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though