Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
drew a comic about my origin story
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year