women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
good morning
My blood type is coffee.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.