women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
not to brag, but mine was free
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.