i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
What a kind woman! 😂😂
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.