ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
You Might Also Like
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I was just discussing this with my cat
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”