@MrsTomServo: Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
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@LukeErd: You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes "wood" with "food."
@SortaBad: me: good morning, Linda Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" "Okie dokie." * Starts to adjust mirrors*