I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection