The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Discuss
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work