Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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In space, no one can hear…
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.