women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You Might Also Like
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.