Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said