It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You Might Also Like
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.