date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.