My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.