we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 馃槈
#nofilter
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i鈥檓 just here to werk
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these