No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
cause of death:
autopsy.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The dark side of Canada
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions