When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
You Might Also Like
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.