Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.