Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Attacked by a mop.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.