Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?