Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up