Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I told my vodka about you.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”