If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box