Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand