I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot