Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.