Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT