Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
philosophical skeletons be like
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.